The husbands were instructed by our Child Birth Class Educator to give their wives 6 massages in two weeks. Ryan gave me 2. Total. So of course I ratted him out in class and behold his punishment........
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Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Ryan's Punishment
Monday, September 13, 2010
Big Daddy
(That is what Ryan refers to himself as, and of course it has stuck)
So Big Daddy texted me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to the 311 concert on October 29th. Seriously? He obviously has no clue....
So Big Daddy texted me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to the 311 concert on October 29th. Seriously? He obviously has no clue....
Monday, August 30, 2010
Heartburn
While the morning sickness has been much better this pregnancy (as in, I do not actually throw-up 5 times a day), the heartburn has been horrible! I now sympathize for people who battle heartburn on a daily basis. It is funny how many people have told me that if you have it persistently during pregnancy it means your baby will have a full head of hair. A baby with hair would be welcomed by me since Allie did not have any until she was about 2 years old! Here are some other Old Wives Tales for you to enjoy:
- If you raise your arms above your head while pregnant, the cord will wrap around the babies neck.
- If the weather is stormy or the moon is full, you're more likely to go into labor.
- Drink lots of water when you’re pregnant or your baby will come out dirty.
- If a baby is born with light-brown birthmarks, it is said that the mom drank too much coffee.
- If your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy, you are having a boy.
- If the hair on your legs is growing faster during pregnancy, it's a boy. My neighbor's brother is a Pediatrician and he told me that they used to say this before the days of ultrasound. Hasn't proven true for me...
- If you refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread, you are having a girl.
- If you are craving sweets, it means that it is a girl.
- If you are carrying high with a big, round belly, you are having a girl. If you are carrying low with a smaller belly that sticks straight out, it’s a boy.
- Apparently if you put a wooden spoon and a pair of scissors under your bed and a pink bow under your pillow, you’ll have yourself a little baby girl.
- The Chinese Gender Chart claims to have an accuracy rate of over 90%. It is based on how old the mother is at conception and the month that she conceived. If the sum is an even number it's a boy. True for me!
- If you raise your arms above your head while pregnant, the cord will wrap around the babies neck.
- If the weather is stormy or the moon is full, you're more likely to go into labor.
- Drink lots of water when you’re pregnant or your baby will come out dirty.
- If a baby is born with light-brown birthmarks, it is said that the mom drank too much coffee.
- If your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy, you are having a boy.
- If the hair on your legs is growing faster during pregnancy, it's a boy. My neighbor's brother is a Pediatrician and he told me that they used to say this before the days of ultrasound. Hasn't proven true for me...
- If you refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread, you are having a girl.
- If you are craving sweets, it means that it is a girl.
- If you are carrying high with a big, round belly, you are having a girl. If you are carrying low with a smaller belly that sticks straight out, it’s a boy.
- Apparently if you put a wooden spoon and a pair of scissors under your bed and a pink bow under your pillow, you’ll have yourself a little baby girl.
- The Chinese Gender Chart claims to have an accuracy rate of over 90%. It is based on how old the mother is at conception and the month that she conceived. If the sum is an even number it's a boy. True for me!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Something else that is funny...
Ryan, Allie and I stayed in town this weekend (which is rare for us). As Ryan watched me go about my daily things of laundry, cleaning & organizing the house, and running back and forth to Lowe's and the grocery store, he comments "Wow, you're really nesting, aren't you?". Does he not realize that this is completely normal for me?! Just wait until the nesting really kicks in...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Funny
Had to share a post of my sister's from her blog, Swanson Speaks (link to left).
The Funny Side of Working For Yourself
August 16th, 2010 by kelly
I work for myself and people think that’s glamorous. Well it’s not. It’s hard. You have to be extremely disciplined. You who have bosses have it made. You think I don’t answer to anybody? I have to answer to myself! You try kicking your own butt. It is not easy. And I never follow through. I’m pathetic. I’ve been trying to fire myself for years. Now with this economy, I just don’t have the heart to let myself go.
When you work for yourself you can never pull anything on your boss like faking a sick day. And forget kissing her butt. She already knows how worthless you are. And you should sit in on our staff meetings. It gets really intense. Nobody is open to any new ideas. And the blaming. “It’s your fault! No, it’s your fault!” And we have to keep doing these stupid team building exercises. “There is no ‘I’ in team!” she says. But I shouldn’t talk about her like that – reviews are coming up. There are some upsides. Like employee awards. I always get employee of the month and most improved. Then again, I am the one they always gossip about.
Somebody asked me if I was going to grow the business. I told them if I become schizophrenic, I’m going to start a chain.
I work out of my house too, which is a whole other level of confusing, especially when they tell us not to take our work home with us. And I have yet to figure out how to go home sick. And working out of your house is hard because you never know what to wear to work – the pink pajama’s or the blue ones. On casual Fridays I come to work naked.
When you work out of your home it’s hard because you’re right near the TV and the kitchen. And suddenly you’re putting a client on hold because Guiding Light just came back on. “Hello, Sue? Yes, I’d love to work with you. Could you hold just one moment? I have to put the next load of wash in.” Okay, I need to make three phone calls, send four contracts, follow up on a hot lead – wait, isn’t there left over Chinese takeout in the fridge?
And people think that when you work from home that’s code for being unemployed.
“And where’s your office?” they ask with an eager interested expression.
“Oh, I work from home,” I answer.
“How nice,” they say looking at me like I’m a dog with three legs. “We have some old clothes we can bring over for you.”
When you work from home it gets really lonely and boring sometimes. You get desperate for someone to talk to. “Hello? Yes, I would love to take a survey! And you probably should call me tomorrow too because I might have changed my mind by then.” I get so desperate to talk to people that telemarketers have become my best hope for companionship. For the record, some of them don’t want to hear how it went at your gynecology appointment. I just found out the Sprint guy put me on his do not call list. That’s the last time I let him hear my new speech.
Working for myself at home is tough. I definitely think I should have started as an intern first.
But there are some things that working from home has taught me that I think applies to all of us. Number one, every job is important whether you’re the one answering the phone or coming up with the strategic plan. Number two, you have to be accountable. You can’t blame anyone else. You want success, you go after it. And lastly, you’d better find a way to love what you do, or it will kill you.
When you work for yourself you can never pull anything on your boss like faking a sick day. And forget kissing her butt. She already knows how worthless you are. And you should sit in on our staff meetings. It gets really intense. Nobody is open to any new ideas. And the blaming. “It’s your fault! No, it’s your fault!” And we have to keep doing these stupid team building exercises. “There is no ‘I’ in team!” she says. But I shouldn’t talk about her like that – reviews are coming up. There are some upsides. Like employee awards. I always get employee of the month and most improved. Then again, I am the one they always gossip about.
Somebody asked me if I was going to grow the business. I told them if I become schizophrenic, I’m going to start a chain.
I work out of my house too, which is a whole other level of confusing, especially when they tell us not to take our work home with us. And I have yet to figure out how to go home sick. And working out of your house is hard because you never know what to wear to work – the pink pajama’s or the blue ones. On casual Fridays I come to work naked.
When you work out of your home it’s hard because you’re right near the TV and the kitchen. And suddenly you’re putting a client on hold because Guiding Light just came back on. “Hello, Sue? Yes, I’d love to work with you. Could you hold just one moment? I have to put the next load of wash in.” Okay, I need to make three phone calls, send four contracts, follow up on a hot lead – wait, isn’t there left over Chinese takeout in the fridge?
And people think that when you work from home that’s code for being unemployed.
“And where’s your office?” they ask with an eager interested expression.
“Oh, I work from home,” I answer.
“How nice,” they say looking at me like I’m a dog with three legs. “We have some old clothes we can bring over for you.”
When you work from home it gets really lonely and boring sometimes. You get desperate for someone to talk to. “Hello? Yes, I would love to take a survey! And you probably should call me tomorrow too because I might have changed my mind by then.” I get so desperate to talk to people that telemarketers have become my best hope for companionship. For the record, some of them don’t want to hear how it went at your gynecology appointment. I just found out the Sprint guy put me on his do not call list. That’s the last time I let him hear my new speech.
Working for myself at home is tough. I definitely think I should have started as an intern first.
But there are some things that working from home has taught me that I think applies to all of us. Number one, every job is important whether you’re the one answering the phone or coming up with the strategic plan. Number two, you have to be accountable. You can’t blame anyone else. You want success, you go after it. And lastly, you’d better find a way to love what you do, or it will kill you.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Almost-30 Life Crisis???
My poor husband has had to adjust to a new wife, a new mortgage, a new baby, and a growing absence of golf. His answer? A new, really big tattoo. A koi fish tattoo sleeve to be exact.
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Just kidding! It's a fake mesh tattoo I saw and couldn't resist. It really does look real. Can't wait for him to wear it somewhere as a joke.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
:)
Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old...
(From an email forward that I received)
- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- That's enough, Nickelback.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a milli second earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure Iknow how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don'twant to have to restart my collection.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
(From an email forward that I received)
- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- That's enough, Nickelback.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a milli second earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure Iknow how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don'twant to have to restart my collection.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Another one for my Mommy friends (and Randi)...
My sister Kelly's Column- Staying on the Funny Side of Commercials
Have you seen the commercial for the kid's allergy medication? Two women are sitting in a park on a play date when one child runs up, sneezes, and both women, like gun slingers, pull out their emergency mommy medication. One mother has an oozing bag of mangled medications. The other mother pulls out her handy dandy pre-filled dose of medication and administers it to Junior and never misses a beat. Messy bag woman cowers in shame. Quick-dose mom flashes a condescending smile of victory. Freeze the frame right here because I have a problem with this whole scenario. First of all, find me a park where children are frolicking and skipping to the tune of laughing mothers. Last park I went to, one kid pee'd on the slide, another bit his sister in the face, somebody found a hypodermic needle in the sand box, and my car got spray painted with gang graffiti before I even turned off the engine. And it's not just moms anymore. I saw two dads, a grandparent, a babysitter, a kid who was thrown out the door of a station wagon as the parents 'roll through', another who I'm pretty sure lives there, and one man in slippers shuffling through the parking lot talking to himself. And who even has time for play dates anymore? I'm busy. My kid gets play dates in line at the DMV.
The TV moms are immaculately dressed. No wrinkles, no stains. Right now I'm wearing a t-shirt with crusted peanut butter and matching sweats that I've been wearing since Tuesday. I once went a whole day with a sucker stuck to the side of my head before anybody told me. The TV moms are chatting happily. Wrong. Sara's telling Sue about how lazy her husband is; while Bertha (who just slipped vodka into her water bottle) is complaining about how far her butt has dropped to Erma who can't hear her because she's too busy spanking her kid in the parking lot. The commercial mothers are always deep in conversation while their kids are playing out on the horizon. Hello! Do you watch Law and Order? My child once disappeared behind a bush for a second and I started screaming, clawing at my sweater, and profiling the other moms. And what's up with the kid who comes up to his mother to sneeze? Please. My son can be bleeding out his eyes and he won't stop digging to come get help. Commercial mom whips out her bag of medications. We went on vacation and I forgot Junior's inhaler. She reaches into her purse and locates the bag of medicine immediately. I once went into my purse for a band aid dug up four half-eaten candy bars and a pair of underwear. No band aid.
Commercial kid takes his medication with a smile. I have to wrestle my kid to the ground, hold his nose, and threaten to take away Christmas if he doesn't take it. Commercial kid smiles and gives a cute toothless thank-you while my kid seeks vengeance with a magic marker on the living room wall. Then Patty Perfect gives Susie Slack a condescending smile of victory. Well, I must admit, that one is pretty much on target. I've met Patty Perfect before. She's the one who frowns when I bring chocolate when it's my turn for preschool snack. When I put diet coke in his sippy cup. When I breastfeed at the salad bar.
Yeah - all that from a commercial. I'll probably still buy it anyway. It does look cool. I'm sure it will cost three times as much, I'll leave it at home, and my kid still won't take it. So maybe the commercial wins after all. But I won't let them tell me what normal mothers look like. Or what beautiful looks like either. Or success. Or happiness. What do they know?
www.kellyswanson.net
Have you seen the commercial for the kid's allergy medication? Two women are sitting in a park on a play date when one child runs up, sneezes, and both women, like gun slingers, pull out their emergency mommy medication. One mother has an oozing bag of mangled medications. The other mother pulls out her handy dandy pre-filled dose of medication and administers it to Junior and never misses a beat. Messy bag woman cowers in shame. Quick-dose mom flashes a condescending smile of victory. Freeze the frame right here because I have a problem with this whole scenario. First of all, find me a park where children are frolicking and skipping to the tune of laughing mothers. Last park I went to, one kid pee'd on the slide, another bit his sister in the face, somebody found a hypodermic needle in the sand box, and my car got spray painted with gang graffiti before I even turned off the engine. And it's not just moms anymore. I saw two dads, a grandparent, a babysitter, a kid who was thrown out the door of a station wagon as the parents 'roll through', another who I'm pretty sure lives there, and one man in slippers shuffling through the parking lot talking to himself. And who even has time for play dates anymore? I'm busy. My kid gets play dates in line at the DMV.
The TV moms are immaculately dressed. No wrinkles, no stains. Right now I'm wearing a t-shirt with crusted peanut butter and matching sweats that I've been wearing since Tuesday. I once went a whole day with a sucker stuck to the side of my head before anybody told me. The TV moms are chatting happily. Wrong. Sara's telling Sue about how lazy her husband is; while Bertha (who just slipped vodka into her water bottle) is complaining about how far her butt has dropped to Erma who can't hear her because she's too busy spanking her kid in the parking lot. The commercial mothers are always deep in conversation while their kids are playing out on the horizon. Hello! Do you watch Law and Order? My child once disappeared behind a bush for a second and I started screaming, clawing at my sweater, and profiling the other moms. And what's up with the kid who comes up to his mother to sneeze? Please. My son can be bleeding out his eyes and he won't stop digging to come get help. Commercial mom whips out her bag of medications. We went on vacation and I forgot Junior's inhaler. She reaches into her purse and locates the bag of medicine immediately. I once went into my purse for a band aid dug up four half-eaten candy bars and a pair of underwear. No band aid.
Commercial kid takes his medication with a smile. I have to wrestle my kid to the ground, hold his nose, and threaten to take away Christmas if he doesn't take it. Commercial kid smiles and gives a cute toothless thank-you while my kid seeks vengeance with a magic marker on the living room wall. Then Patty Perfect gives Susie Slack a condescending smile of victory. Well, I must admit, that one is pretty much on target. I've met Patty Perfect before. She's the one who frowns when I bring chocolate when it's my turn for preschool snack. When I put diet coke in his sippy cup. When I breastfeed at the salad bar.
Yeah - all that from a commercial. I'll probably still buy it anyway. It does look cool. I'm sure it will cost three times as much, I'll leave it at home, and my kid still won't take it. So maybe the commercial wins after all. But I won't let them tell me what normal mothers look like. Or what beautiful looks like either. Or success. Or happiness. What do they know?
www.kellyswanson.net
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
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