For all my Mommy friends...

This is one of my sister's columns... thought you would all get a kick out of it!

Mother's Day Tea
Staying on the funny side…of Mother’s Day Tea

So I’m sitting there at the Busy Bee Preschool Mother’s Day Program – so far,so good. Nobody can tell that I haven’t washed my hair since Tuesday, or that I’m still thinking of that last phone call where the client said I sounded like a great speaker, but they decided to go with the clown. Nobody knows I’m half-asleep from staying up late forging through the drawers for forgotten chocolate after spending three hours trying to find that bra that makes me look like Madonna in the Vogue video. Unfortunately, I had to settle on the bra that makes me look like Madonna’s grandmother after a late night scuffle at the Monster Truck Rally.

I’ve made my rounds - complimented six new haircuts, one zippered pantsuit, a pair of flip flops that really did make her feet look a size smaller, and hoped God didn’t strike me down when I told Norma Jean that her rear end did not look big in those daisy covered Capri pants. I fielded the “looks” from mothers who didn’t believe I really existed because it’s always my husband they see in the carpool lane. I could hear them mentally crossing him off their “available” list – except for Charlene O’Hara who I’m pretty sure left him on her list which is growing faster than that hair on her chin. I’m just saying.

I’m sitting there watching the children sing to us, using gestures and hand motions that I’m pretty sure didn’t start out to be offensive – no two kids are singing the same note or doing the same motion - and I’m pretty sure my kid is singing a different song. And we’re all digging for tissues as we pick out what we’re going to wear when our kid wins American Idol and beats out the other kids who according to Simon are second rate karaoke singers at best.

I hate sitting there listening to the other mothers brag about their children while the whole “I’m a bad mother” script starts playing in my head. I try to tell myself not to listen, but I just can’t help it – kind of like when I’m standing in line at the grocery store and can’t help finding out what Jennifer texted to Brad yesterday when Angelina was out shopping for another baby. Mommy to the right says her son can already read and mommy on the left says her daughter can write her phone number and I’m wondering if it is possible that my child can learn his letters and numbers from the remote control. I’m hopeful. Another mommy whispers that her daughter just loves brussel sprouts and whole grain bread. I told my son to hand me a napkin the other day and he asked me if I wanted fries with that. Natalie’s mother made her dress by hand. I tried to paint my son’s name on his lunch bag and spelled it wrong. Mommy behind me says her kids just got through watching the mini-series on the Civil War. I told them my son has seen every episode of Law and Order and is now afraid of parks and women with cleavage and badges.

I’m starting to feel bad about myself until Sara says her husband left her for the bagger at the Piggly Wiggly and I start to feel better. It’s funny what some of us women do – comparing ourselves to those around us – hoping she’ll have thicker thighs, or that her roots will be showing, or that their new car is really just a rental – just so that for one moment we’ll feel good about ourselves.

Then we get to the surprise portion of the program and I remembered the last time my son surprised me by pooping in the tub. I’m just saying – not all surprises are good. So here’s the deal – all the kids drew pictures of their mommies and then described us on the back. And now we’re going to play name that mommy based on the picture and the description. Oh, yeah, this is going to be fun. I start to sweat as the teacher reads the first picture of a mommy with pale blue eyes and blonde hair: My mommy likes to read me bedtime stories. She likes salads and long walks in the park. Nope, not me. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a salad or walked anywhere for no reason. And if you can count People Magazine as a bedtime story, then we’re good. I started to wonder what my son would say about me.

My mommy likes naps, shopping, and any food she doesn’t have to cook herself. My mommy’s hair color is – well, that depends on what day it is. My mommy’s hair has lots of different colors ‘cause my mommy says she doesn’t pay that much money just to look natural. My mommy says to tell people she’s 24 and wears a size six. My mommy yells a lot – but when the phone rings she’s really sweet. My mommy plays games with me, as long as her shows aren’t on. I love hugging my mommy because she’s squooshy.

We get a good laugh listening to our kids describe us. Yeah, I say “laugh”, when really I mean that every woman there is deep in the throes of panic at the risk she faces of being exposed to the other mothers. We find out that Sara’s mom tastes dressings at the grocery store and Emily’s mom likes a certain four-letter-word. Barb lets the kids stay up until midnight and Josh’s mom draws her eyebrows on. Frank’s mom carries a flask in her purse and Natalie’s mommy takes little pink happy pills.

And then it’s my turn. Suddenly I’m in the hot seat. My cool and calm exterior – the face I try so hard to keep in place – is about to be peeled off to reveal the true mommy underneath. And there, in front of all his friends, my son announces that I am a 67-year-old with fake teeth, who eats his Halloween candy while he’s sleeping, lets him eat cookies before dinner, spanks him in the front yard, and says she loves him more than anything, just the way he is. And he turns and looks at me with that smile – you know the smile – the smile that says he’s forgotten all your misguided attempts, all the messes and all the lost tempers and all the added pounds and wrinkles – and just sees his mommy, the one who loves him more than anything - just the way he is. You are the greatest because you’re his mom.

Today I say to all the mothers out there. You aren’t perfect. You never will be. So stop feeling less than and comparing yourself to others. You will mess up – over and over – and so will the others. Yet tomorrow you will get up and try it all over again. And just remember – he doesn’t care if you taught him his numbers on time, or if you gave him his daily requirement of vitamins, or if you bought him that toy he’s always wanted. He loves you – just the way you are - because you’re his mom. So put away the mommy how-to book and go hug your kid – and tell him you love him, just the way he is.

Until next time - Stay on the funny side!
www.kellyswanson.net

Little Maggie Perez is here!!!

And she is SO precious! She is the tiniest little thing, and so sweet natured. It is so cute to hear Caroline's sweet little voice call her "Little Sister". I guess I better let her Mama be the first to post pictures of her new little one... I'm sure this blog will be full of her pics in the future!

However, I will let you see the Stork that we made to announce her arrival. Yes, Ryan and I actually made it... as in we went to Lowe's and bought the wood, drew it, sanded it, primed it, painted it, and made the stand. My poor new hubby didn't know what he was getting himself into:). But lucky for me he is very artistic and totally humors all of my little projects! He was such a good sport and we realized we really made a good team! Thinking of renting it out as a little side-business, so if you know anyone who needs a stork...

My Beloved Belle Boulevard

I never would have thought I would develop such a love for China. I actually wasn't even going to register for it... until I saw the beautiful bright white and platinum plates... with bows... and Kate Spade's name on it... all of my favorite things! So I informed Ryan that we needed to go pick out our China. He was less than thrilled and didn't understand why he had to go. I explained that it was something that would be special for us to do together, and when we opened our wedding gifts he would be excited too (instead of just opening a bunch of stuff that I had picked out). Well after literally an hour and a half spent at Belk waiting for the Wedding Registry lady to come back from lunch, I still didn't have him convinced on the very girly- I will admit- China. But in my defense, he wanted to get the ones that had bees on them and a hive-like pattern around it! I guess he eventually realized I wasn't giving up on the bows, and what did he really care about plates anyway?... so he finally caved. Then questioned why exactly I wanted him to come with me to register if I wasn't going to listen to his opinion (and clearly already knew what I wanted). I guess he had a point :). I will just have to serve him lots of good meals on those plates!

How to avoid the Swine Flu...

Very short inspirational video...

Puts life in perspective....

It's been a long time comin'.....

I decided this morning that it was time for me to enter the Blog-world. So after about 2 hours of "customizing" my page, I am finally done... and still not quite happy with the layout and color scheme. Hopefully as I get the hang of it the whole process will speed up a little!

I have spent the last year or so stalking other people's blogs- to the point that I have actually caught myself saying "One of my friends who has quadruplets..."... Friends? Now how exactly do you define that? While I have never spoken to or laid eyes on this girl and she has no idea who I am, I can tell you where she is from, how she met her husband, when/where they got married, all about her pregnancy, her four childrens full names, when they moved into their new house, what color they painted the kitchen, and their daily schedule. Scary, huh? By the way- her link is to the left if you want to be friends with her too :)

I read on a friend of a friend of a friend's blog that when she got married it was time for her to start a blog, just like her friends did when they got married. So here I am! I married my high school sweet heart a few weeks ago and have a precious and very entertaining 6-year old... so hopefully I will have some fun stories and pictures to share. And considering I have spent a significant amount of time reading and enjoying all of your blogs, it seems only fair to contribute!